Writers’ Fridges: Kristen Arnett


Writers’ Fridges

在我们的系列中Writers’ Fridges, we bring you snapshots of the abyss that writers stare into most frequently: their refrigerators.

The thing about a fridge is we spend a lot of time standing in front of it wondering what’s inside. We don’t wanna necessarily open it because that will let all the cold air out, but I also like to think we stand in front of that closed door because we’re allowing ourselves to think that it holds something we truly want. Infinite possibilities. We are keeping hope alive!

Anyway, when I am standing in front of my fridge I know there is not any food in it so I pass the time by drawing pictures of my dog on the miniature whiteboard or by coming up with new phrases with the magnetic alphabet letters. The last iteration was “fuck boi.” I am a WRITER.

We are all out of everything, always. This checklist is inaccurate. It has been on that same page since the year of our lord 1444. The delivery guy has a better idea of what’s inside this fridge than I do.

在这里看到“蔬菜”抽屉持有一些我不记得购买的物品。每当我打开冰箱门并往下看这个封闭的抽屉,我就会提醒不要打开它,因为我不知道那些小橘子的年龄,但它们肯定不再是“cuties”。他们已经进入了他们的日落年。显然那里有一个袋装沙拉?我无法想象谁买了那个,但它肯定不是我。再次,我可以检查并查看这些物品何时过期,你知道,因为它们在应该举起可食用食品的地方腐烂到液体放电,但让我们忘记它。让我们一起继续前进,我们呢?我有鸡蛋。这是我总是买的一件事。我在半夜涂上一点煎蛋,都涂有黄油。 This is a good way to burn yourself, drunk and frying an egg. I am not sure what’s in the takeout container but it probably came with fries.

Last weekend I went to the beach and my friends stopped by with a bunch of free beer. I brought this beer home and have been steadily drinking my way through it because oh my god, free beer. Yes, this is a jug of filtered water in my fridge and no, I am not the one drinking it. The cat loves cold filtered water for some reason? Yes, I am that messy person who gives her cat filtered water. Those are seltzers in my fridge because sometimes even I reach a point of dehydration where my brain tells me it might shut down if I don’t have one single glass of H2O. These are grapefruit flavored so I can truthfully tell people that I’ve had a fruit. Preventing scurvy, y’all.

那个抽屉里有一些奶酪,但我保证你不应该试图吃任何东西。我想在五个月前制作奈西队[检查笔记]时买了它。外带容器是我从这么多次订购的地方,即送货司机将其丢弃并对我说“你的平常” - 再次。出于某种原因,我的前妻卡托布在冰箱里,每次看着他们的袋子,我笑了,所以我只是让他们坐在那里,所以我可以永远嘲笑它,永远和永远,阿门。


Another mystery item! A frozen seafood medley bought for I am not sure what and I am also not sure when and I have no idea why. I can only surmise this was a misguided past attempt on my part to buy multiple white wines thinking I would use one to make a “sauce” for some kind of pasta dish. After taking this picture I tried to throw the bag out but then was struck by the assorted items. I bought a bag of FROZEN SEA CREATURES. To CONSUME. I am gonna save this for after book tour and try to cook it then, successfully poisoning myself. Check back later.

My favorite item in the freezer. Nothing woos a date more than presenting them with an after-dinner choco taco. I’m just kidding, I would never invite a date back to my house. One time I let a friend have one after she drunkenly spied the box in the freezer and she took a single bite before stating she was “full.” Then she threw the package directly into the trash. Cars crashed. Angels wept. Dogs howled. Flames descended from the heavens. It was apocalyptic. I chugged my beer and prayed for death. Never again, I whispered, moved to tears. When I fall in love again, it will be to a woman who would never abandon a choco taco. No choco taco left behind. We will lovingly bite into either side of one, ala Lady and the Tramp, and our ice cream covered lips will meet in the center. If she’s truly the one for me, maybe I’ll even let her have the leftover nuts from the wrapper.

Kristin Arnett的小说,Mostly Dead Things,本周出来了。